As you can read on my website www.coachingvital.co with Neurolinguistic programming (NLP) it is thought that each individual has stabilised their own unique mental filtering system to process the millions of bits of data that are obtained through the senses. Our first mental map of the world is made up of internal images (visual), sounds (auditory), tactile awareness, internal sensations (kinaesthetic), tastes and smells that are formed as a result of the neurological filtering process. And as you have read in my blogs: are you Paying Attention to the Details that can enhance your Communication Skills? And If you are feeling Blue, Go Green, the way we create our mental Map often is influenced by the way we process information, some people are highly visual and others pay more attention to sounds and some to tactile awareness and internal sensations. When NLP was first created it was thought that we would always have a preferred system through which we would process information, however we now know that that can vary from situation to situation and that most people use all the systems.
It was through studying the family therapist Virginia Satir that Grinder and Bandler (the co-creators of NLP) discovered that Virginia was actually translating between the different preferential systems to enhance communications and the understanding between couples and family members. So if a wife was highly visual it would be reflected in her language and if she was married to a man who was mostly processing through feelings, it could be very difficult for the two to understand each other, some times even to the extent, as if they were speaking different languages. It can be very difficult to see what you mean, if you would rather feel it.
Marriage counsellor Dr. Gary Chapman developed the five love languages because it was his experience that most couples would say I feel like you don’t love me. It is a technique that builds on Virginia Satir’s technique, to some extent. Where the five love languages can make you aware of the love language your partner speaks so you can notice how it is that he or she loves you. It is similar to translating between preferential systems; it just does it specifically on how we love. And it can be very useful to know which love language your partner speaks, not only to appreciate the love that surrounds you but maybe you could even learn your partners love language and love him or her the same way some times. There is a test on Dr. Chapman’s website so you can find out which one or ones you use, you can find the link below.
Based on my experience of human behaviour, I would suspect that it is with the five love languages as it is with your preferential system; it may change, depending on the situation or the love relationship you have with a person. Anyway here you have them:
- Physical Touch: This language isn’t all about sexual intimacy. It is also about the physical connection, holding hands, hugging, kissing, an arm around a shoulder, and a hand on the knee, how close you sit together, and non-sexual touching in public. Physical connection can give the other person a feeling of security in any relationship. I would think that someone who uses the kinaesthetic preferential system would probably also be inclined to use Physical Touch as their love language. Lack of physical touch with a person whose main love language is physical touch could make them feel unloved.
- Acts of Service is when you do something for your partner that eases their burden. Like washing up, having the dinner ready or vacuuming a carpet. A person that has this as their main love language would probably feel more loved if he or she heard “let me do this for you” instead of an “I love you”. Adding on to a person’s workload with this kind of love language could be interpreted as you not caring.
- Quality time love language is when undivided attention is critical for this person to feel loved. Where 100 per cent of your attention is on the person, with no TV, no mobile phone or pending chores interrupting. Distractions and postponed dates can be hurtful.
- Receiving Gifts, a person who has this as their main love language it is not about materialism it is about the thought behind the gift, the time you spend on getting it and that you truly know and see the person you are gifting to. If you forget an anniversary, a birthday or you get your gift in the last minute, you are sending a message that you do not care for the person with this love language.
- Words of Affirmation, is when words are more important than actions, someone who is very auditory may be more inclined to use this love language. Hearing I love you and compliments and affirmations of your love for this person is essential for this person to feel loved. Insults, harsh words and tone of voice would make this person feel unloved.
Have you been able to identify your own main language, or main languages? Have you been able to identify your loved one’s? There is a test you can do on the website. What would happen if you suddenly became aware of your partner’s love language? What would happen if you could speak his or hers love language?
I hope you have a wonderful weekend and remember being kind is for free and so is getting to know your partners and your own love language.
All the best
Ivalo
More about this: https://www.5lovelanguages.com