This week, I have reflected a lot on the concept of “secondary gain”, which I worked on in a session with Ivalo. All the habits that I have were created because, at some point, that behavior gave me some benefit. Many of those habits are really useful to me, how to retract and think to focus even if I am surrounded by many people, for example. However, some of the behaviors no longer fit what I want and have become a negative habit that I want to change. And the difficulty in getting rid of this habit has its origin in the “secondary gain”. My mind continues with the behavior to obtain this gain, which is considered good for me.
I have struggled with overweight all my life, I gain weight quickly and then loose it with much effort, and then again in an endless cycle that already adds more than 30 years. I know that I eat compulsively when I feel insecure, literally insecure as if some physical damage came to me. Eating until I feel I can not eat anymore, takes away that fear, gives me peace of mind. It is not very rational, but I think now that is my secondary gain. Eating more than I should gives me peace, and also health problems, and makes it impossible for me to dress as I want ( see if you get a nice dress in size XXL … impossible!), The list is long.
When I’ve caught myself looking in the cupboard, I just think. Why do I feel insecure? What am I afraid of? Is that real fear? or am I just imagining it? And to think about it, suddenly eliminates that secondary gain of eating, because I feel safe knowing that I can take care of myself because it gives me peace of mind. With this, I have improved the management of anxiety. But, Ivalo she pushes me to keep searching, the exercise requires me to keep asking. So she tells me the metaphor about Leonardo Da Vinci discarting his first 3 ideas until the correct one showed up, You have to keep looking.
What do I gain from being overweight? A recurring thought: respect. I believe that if a woman is very attractive, people will not take into account what she has to say, because her beauty will be the only thing that matters. Also, I have a very big rejection of women who advance their career using their sexuality. I know that women have done this for centuries because they had no other options, but now we do. I want my position because I deserve it, with my work and my ability, and not because some man finds me sexually attractive.
But you have to keep looking, well, what else do I gain with overweight? I remember how I felt when I have my correct weight and I can wear beautiful dresses that I like. I remember feeling insecure. Very insecure I receive a lot of unwanted attention from men who have no interest in talking to me, to put it nicely. I receive attention that is not welcome, that makes me feel really bad about myself. I’m very afraid to feel that again, I do not know how to handle it.
What do I gain from my habits? Reflecting on this has been interesting because I have noticed several that are still useful to me and I want to maintain. And it has given me a new perspective on eating, being overweight. How difficult it has been because I have not been working the real reason for the problem. I still have a lot to work to do, but I feel optimistic. I think I’m on a very good road this time.
Flor Medina – Customer of personalized sessions in Bogotá